Like my last blog, I've decided to write about things that are important to me currently. Hopefully you will understand what I write, and maybe also relate to it.
Sibling rivalry, everyone has it right? No, my sister and I aren't fighting over our parents attention or a turn at riding the bike. We're not even fighting. To the best of my knowledge these are my feelings only. You see, my sister has a dream. She dreams of playing soccer professionally and doing university in the US. It's not the nature of the dream that I envy, it's the fact that she has one and that she's chasing it. All I can say for myself is that I want to be a writer one day.
For a while I thought that I could make her dream my dream. That I could go to the US with her. But its not my dream, as much as I may wish that it was. It's hers and I can't live it with her. I've always seen my sister as the marker or benchmark of success, and I've never been able to match that. I've always been in her shadow. I've always been "Rebekah's brother."
Every so often I have a day when I feel like a failure, realize I have no dreams or goals, and wallow in self pity. A day when I compare myself to my sister even more than normal and feel like giving up. A day when I feel like I'm going to be mediocre all my life and no amount of anything can fix it. Then things get better for a bit, but never forever. It's a cycle I'm getting familiar with.
This christmas, all I want, is a dream. No flash presents or love or thought, although all that stuff would be good, I just want a dream. I guess my encouragement to you would be two-fold. If you have a dream; chase it. Wholeheartedly and without regret. And secondly, don't stop believing in your dream because living without a dream is no fun.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Just A Thought
I decided to use this blog to talk about some things in my life that have become clearer to me of late and I also want to talk about some thoughts of mine that keep me awake at night. Maybe you can relate to some of the things I'm going to talk about.
Just this week I realised that a dream has a very clarifying effect on ones life. Not the dream you have when you sleep, but one that is so very real and attainable and has become so for the very first time. They have a way of sorting through your life and prioritizing it. All that was important is now meaningless and all that was enjoyable becomes futile. It's weird when you think about it. How can my life suddenly be so purposeful despite the fact that nothing has really changed? Not that I mind of course. I like the feeling of purpose. I know what I go to work for now. Although much water has to go under the bridge before anything happens of this dream, I cannot wait to see what this journey brings.
Secondly, on a day recently that was the worst one I have had in recent memory, I wrote three pages of journal entry in which I wrote about how I can't live and what I need. I'm going to share a few.
I Can't Live like This:
I can't live comparing myself to every Jo Blow on the planet, nor can I compare myself against my sister. I can't live a mediocre life, be a mediocre christian or friend. I can't let myself be swayed by what people think of me or tell me to do or believe. I can't live apart from God in anything.
I Need:
I need to give up the things that have kept me 'of' the world for too long and embrace the things that will set me apart. I need to quit seeking my own ends for my own glory but to do all for the glory of God who made me. I need to forget bad reports spoken over my life and live in the good reports even if they are hard to find. I need the love of Jesus to combat my own inability to love as He loved.
The last thing I want to talk about is the will of God. I have mainly questions which I hope someone will answer for me. That is, how do you know? How do you know your doing what your supposed to be doing? How do you know an opportunity is from Him? My father told me when I asked him these questions, I guess you do it and you'll find out if its right by giving it a go. But what if its not that simple? What if the decision requires the commitment to stick it through even if its wrong? That's what I'm scared of.
Finally, do pros and con lists help? My experience suggests not. They always end up equal. One pro outweighs all of the cons, especially if that pro is family and friends.
Just this week I realised that a dream has a very clarifying effect on ones life. Not the dream you have when you sleep, but one that is so very real and attainable and has become so for the very first time. They have a way of sorting through your life and prioritizing it. All that was important is now meaningless and all that was enjoyable becomes futile. It's weird when you think about it. How can my life suddenly be so purposeful despite the fact that nothing has really changed? Not that I mind of course. I like the feeling of purpose. I know what I go to work for now. Although much water has to go under the bridge before anything happens of this dream, I cannot wait to see what this journey brings.
Secondly, on a day recently that was the worst one I have had in recent memory, I wrote three pages of journal entry in which I wrote about how I can't live and what I need. I'm going to share a few.
I Can't Live like This:
I can't live comparing myself to every Jo Blow on the planet, nor can I compare myself against my sister. I can't live a mediocre life, be a mediocre christian or friend. I can't let myself be swayed by what people think of me or tell me to do or believe. I can't live apart from God in anything.
I Need:
I need to give up the things that have kept me 'of' the world for too long and embrace the things that will set me apart. I need to quit seeking my own ends for my own glory but to do all for the glory of God who made me. I need to forget bad reports spoken over my life and live in the good reports even if they are hard to find. I need the love of Jesus to combat my own inability to love as He loved.
The last thing I want to talk about is the will of God. I have mainly questions which I hope someone will answer for me. That is, how do you know? How do you know your doing what your supposed to be doing? How do you know an opportunity is from Him? My father told me when I asked him these questions, I guess you do it and you'll find out if its right by giving it a go. But what if its not that simple? What if the decision requires the commitment to stick it through even if its wrong? That's what I'm scared of.
Finally, do pros and con lists help? My experience suggests not. They always end up equal. One pro outweighs all of the cons, especially if that pro is family and friends.
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