In The Shadow

Like my last blog, I've decided to write about things that are important to me currently. Hopefully you will understand what I write, and maybe also relate to it.

Sibling rivalry, everyone has it right? No, my sister and I aren't fighting over our parents attention or a turn at riding the bike. We're not even fighting. To the best of my knowledge these are my feelings only. You see, my sister has a dream. She dreams of playing soccer professionally and doing university in the US. It's not the nature of the dream that I envy, it's the fact that she has one and that she's chasing it. All I can say for myself is that I want to be a writer one day.

For a while I thought that I could make her dream my dream. That I could go to the US with her. But its not my dream, as much as I may wish that it was. It's hers and I can't live it with her. I've always seen my sister as the marker or benchmark of success, and I've never been able to match that. I've always been in her shadow. I've always been "Rebekah's brother."

Every so often I have a day when I feel like a failure, realize I have no dreams or goals, and wallow in self pity. A day when I compare myself to my sister even more than normal and feel like giving up. A day when I feel like I'm going to be mediocre all my life and no amount of anything can fix it. Then things get better for a bit, but never forever. It's a cycle I'm getting familiar with.

This christmas, all I want, is a dream. No flash presents or love or thought, although all that stuff would be good, I just want a dream. I guess my encouragement to you would be two-fold. If you have a dream; chase it. Wholeheartedly and without regret. And secondly, don't stop believing in your dream because living without a dream is no fun.

Just A Thought

I decided to use this blog to talk about some things in my life that have become clearer to me of late and I also want to talk about some thoughts of mine that keep me awake at night. Maybe you can relate to some of the things I'm going to talk about.

Just this week I realised that a dream has a very clarifying effect on ones life. Not the dream you have when you sleep, but one that is so very real and attainable and has become so for the very first time. They have a way of sorting through your life and prioritizing it. All that was important is now meaningless and all that was enjoyable becomes futile. It's weird when you think about it. How can my life suddenly be so purposeful despite the fact that nothing has really changed? Not that I mind of course. I like the feeling of purpose. I know what I go to work for now. Although much water has to go under the bridge before anything happens of this dream, I cannot wait to see what this journey brings.

Secondly, on a day recently that was the worst one I have had in recent memory, I wrote three pages of journal entry in which I wrote about how I can't live and what I need. I'm going to share a few.

I Can't Live like This:
I can't live comparing myself to every Jo Blow on the planet, nor can I compare myself against my sister. I can't live a mediocre life, be a mediocre christian or friend. I can't let myself be swayed by what people think of me or tell me to do or believe. I can't live apart from God in anything.

I Need:
I need to give up the things that have kept me 'of' the world for too long and embrace the things that will set me apart. I need to quit seeking my own ends for my own glory but to do all for the glory of God who made me. I need to forget bad reports spoken over my life and live in the good reports even if they are hard to find. I need the love of Jesus to combat my own inability to love as He loved.

The last thing I want to talk about is the will of God. I have mainly questions which I hope someone will answer for me. That is, how do you know? How do you know your doing what your supposed to be doing? How do you know an opportunity is from Him? My father told me when I asked him these questions, I guess you do it and you'll find out if its right by giving it a go. But what if its not that simple? What if the decision requires the commitment to stick it through even if its wrong? That's what I'm scared of.

Finally, do pros and con lists help? My experience suggests not. They always end up equal. One pro outweighs all of the cons, especially if that pro is family and friends.

Encouragement Is A Big Word

Words are powerful things. They have the power to change a life or to kill it. So many people underestimate the power of a word of encouragement. So many people underestimate the damage a harmful word or phrase can have on a person. One slip of the tongue and a tonne of hard work can go out the window. I want to tell you a story of a guy who is a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

It was my first season playing men's and I was pretty much the runt of the league. And I was playing in a position where you usually have a big, tough dude; goalkeeper. I'm fairly certain that every team we played against thought that I would be an easy target, and that they could run over me. This actually happened in the second game. I don't remember what happened between contact and waking up on the ground. Apparently I went flying through the air like a helicopter.

The point of this story so far is what follows. As I slowly got to my feet, to continue the game I distinctly remember my centre midfielder who was helping me up say, "You're a champion Matt, and we're lucky to have you." That was three and a half years ago. As you can imagine, it meant the world to me. To be affirmed by my team that I was good enough to be where I was.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of bumping into this old teammate at work. Although I didn't even recognize him at first, once I knew who it was, his encouragement to me three and a half years ago played on tape over and over in my mind. I think the world of this guy and I will for the rest of my life probably.

What he said to me accompanies the name and the picture in my mind that I have of him. To this day, I don't know if he meant what he said or not, but that doesn't matter, because he said it. That's all it takes. A kind word here and there and you can add something to someones life. Encouragement is probably one of the greatest gifts we could give, so give life and not take it away with your words.

Pipe Dreamer

The death of my lifelong dream began as soon as it was born. Let me explain; I wanted to be a soccer star. I always wanted to play on the worlds biggest stage, in front of millions of people, doing what I love more than anything else in the world. It was not to be, probably never to be to be honest. Someone else had other plans for me. But I wanted to write about pursuing dreams because it is something we discussed in tribes and youth recently.

Dreams are just that; dreams. There needs to be something to make them reality. That something is hard work. Looking back on my dream, I realize that at the time when I should have been out practising, I was inside playing games on the computer and PlayStation. When I should have been putting in the hard yards, I would have nothing to do with it.

You see, I had these dreams, but I didn't do the work required. Talent alone won't get you there. I always thought it would just happen. But it hasn't, and it won't. They are just pipe dreams, unrealistic fantasy of how awesome it would be if I didn't have to work for what I wanted. Furthermore, how much greater will it feel to have worked your but off and achieved then to coast through life not really doing anything hard. The result will be so much more cherished if its work for.

So let me put it to you like this- procrastination and goals do not mix. Don't put off what you have always wanted to achieve, you might not have that same chance again.

Lessons Learnt Atop A Mountain

It has been a crazy couple of days for me. Since last Thursday when everything started to unravel to now where it all seems back together again. When I say unravel I mean hate for every other human being on the planet. When I say unravel, I mean ready to do something I would most definitely regret for the rest of my life. When I say unravel, I mean I was ready to give it all away. I did not care. I wanted to live for me and everyone else could go get stuffed for all I care.

To be honest, I don't know why I was so angry with the world. Perhaps it stemmed from the bad report my auntie spoke over my life on Thursday night. True, it upset me. No one ever wants to hear that they're a failure at life, especially people who might just happen to believe it. But, I don't think it was the overarching reason. Or perhaps it all came from an unhealthy discontentedness with they way things are. Had it been building and building? Did people only just seem so stupid?

No matter what it was, it had me sitting in church condemned. There I was, sitting there listening, whilst my thoughts convicted me. My mind was screaming at me. "I don't care how much sense what your saying is making to me. I don't care! I'm not going to change. I don't want to do the christian thing. It won't make any difference." I even thought, "that kid can go to hell for all I care." So something was wrong, massively wrong. However, I still could not pinpoint what it was.

I've always had a thing for nature, so on Tuesday I went and climbed a mountain. A heap of people have said that I shouldn't have gone alone, but to be honest, that's the only way it would have happened. I needed to be alone; with God. I needed to sit atop that mountain 1170m up for an hour and a half and just marvel at all I could see. I didn't want one of my friends to ruin this for me. I had to go alone.

I now know exactly why God made mountains. He made them for his glory. He made them for adventurist types like me. Because their bigness reminds us humans that we're not all there is and that we aren't really as big and strong as we like to think. I learnt that the whole earth tells a story about God. A symphony singing praises. On top of that mountain I felt so small and fragile. One slip and I die. Whilst down below humans like ants busy themselves with life. But what of me?

One thing I had to consider was my influence. While I was up there, I had to think about how I was going as a leader. About whether I was a model that others would and/or should follow. Sure, I could fake it pretty well. But deep down, I was letting myself down. Despite, what was going on in my life, I have to make sure that I don't compromise the influence I have as part of a leadership team. So what do I need to change?

First thing is quite simple. Practice what you preach. I need to live out what I want others to live out in their lives. The main one is love. If I can't love someone like Jesus would, then how can I expect others to? This is a simple yet massive point. Obviously, you can't expect it to work like that. But somehow I did.

I think the second thing is to be real. Honestly, life sucks sometimes. Clearly, someone who hates everyone is not a picture of a happy person who is enjoying life. The whole time I felt like this, no one knew. I didn't tell anyone and I had a happy normal mask on. The "yeah good thanks" mask. Everything was not OK, but I acted like it was. If we are to be real with people, we have to ditch the masks.

Third thing that has to happen is the practice what other people preach. I don't know how many times, I have asked, "how do I live like that?" when I have heard messages about things like radical christian faith. Or, when I receive counsel from a leader above me. And I honestly want to live like that, but I never actually make the change required. Or take the step required. And so I stay where I am, discontent and unhappy with how things are. It's kind of silly when you think about it.

So what have I learnt in the last week? I have learnt that I can't do it by myself. I can't do it at all to be honest. I need help. I need God. That's the only way this thing is going to work. I don't have enough love to love those who need it. I need His. I have come to believe that Christianity is a doing word. I don't think its about being a christian, but what we do that makes us a christian. All my life I've been a christian, but I've done nothing. Time for that to change I fancy.

Death's Legacy

I have not written in a while, partly because I fear I have lost the ability to put coherent sentences together. Coupled with this was the fear that my mind which is usually analytical in thinking, had turned to mush and thus idea less. Although I don't think this is the case it has been the long time coming all the same.

Today (Saturday 17/10), I went skydiving. I, however do not want to talk about this event so much as to say that this decision prompted my pondering prior to today. I will share them with you.

The scene is set. I am going skydiving. I've just received the registration form. I'm reading through the terms and conditions, as you can imagine there are lots. Most along the lines of 'you are engaging in this activity at your own risk' and 'accidents can happen'. As you can imagine, this got me thinking. What if the worst does happen? If I have a massive accident and die. So for the second half of the week, I lived with the fear of death as a companion. I don't know why this was such a real fear for me. Honestly, I couldn't place it for a while. After all, my future is secure. I know what happens to me beyond this life. So that wasn't an issue.

It was only really last night (Friday 16/10) that, as I was lying in bed thinking, something came to mind. My legacy. What I'll be known for and as at the end of my life. I instantly knew why I was scared to die. I am not happy with the legacy I am leaving at this point. I could not look back on my life and say, that I had accomplished much and was loved much. I can do better.

The point of this blog is not to tell you all my problems, (apologies if this is what it seems) but to encourage you to strive to leave a legacy worthy of what you can achieve. My questions are numerous-

1. At your funeral (morbid thought time), what are people going to say about you? What did they think about you? Did they love you?
2. Is there something that you have passed down to someone else that will outlive you? Or will the next generation be unaffected by your existence?
3. What kind of legacy do you want to leave? Are you achieving this now?
4. What is the theme of your life? When your name is mentioned what do people attach to it?

I'd encourage you to have a think about those things that I've mentioned. And think if you were to die tonight or tomorrow or soon, will you leave behind something you'll be happy with. The best thing about legacies is they can be changed. It might not be what you want it to be now, but it's not beyond hope.

The purpose of life can be summed up in one quote I love so much, "to live, to love, to learn and to leave a legacy." Note the last part. Its kinda important. :-)

Shelter Of The Grey

He just wanted to get away. To leave this place. To escape everything that held him here and everyone. To start again. But why? He lacked nothing. He had friends who he loved and a family that supported him. He was well respected and well known. So what was the problem? Why did he feel like he did? So he ran.

The rain soaked him. His shirt clung to his body as he ran. His shoes squelched with the water that they had absorbed from the footpath. He loved this feeling. The rain on his face. The loneliness of the rain, that came as the people hid. But not him. He stayed out. He identified with the rain. The rain hid his tears.

The pain of the run pushed him on. It didn't hurt quite enough just yet. He needed that pain. It had become his friend; his mask; his litmus test. He knew he was alive when he ran. At other times he doubted it.

And so he ran, as it poured. The rain covered his tears that he shed for things that he didn't understand. And this rain soaked man ran; under the shelter of the rain. And he ran under the shelter of the grey sky, hiding from the world.