I Regret Having Regrets

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and about regrets I have and things of that nature recently. I remember lying in bed one night really late after the World Cup game had finished and I began thinking about my life, and what I would do differently if I could go back and do it all again. I would go back to the beginning of Grade 8, before everything went all wrong. I’d make minor adjustments in grade 8, because it wasn’t too bad. I’d focus more on making friends and I’d strengthen my existing friendships. I’d train hard and really put effort into my goalkeeping and I’d work hard at school.

Grade 9 would be more of the same; particularly focusing on soccer and schoolwork. In Grade 10 I would.... and it goes on. I would have left school with an OP3, deferred for a year then studied psychology for a year, then worked for half a year and then gone to America with my sister. That was the grand plan I thought up in bed that night. I must admit, it sounds cool. Everything that is my life now would not exist, and soon I’d be jettisoning off to America to chase my dreams.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t gone like that. Not even close. I’m twenty, work a casual job, have a thousand dollars to my name and no prospects. I’ve dropped out of uni twice and now, as I write have no idea what I want to do with my life. But that is not the point. Despite how much I may or may not have screwed up what my life could have been like, I can’t change that. It’s gone. And whether or not it affects me is totally up to me. I found this sweet quote by Fulton Oursler which says, “Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” They work hand in hand, if you fear the future then you’ll regret the past. It is like dying a slow and painful death of insignificance and mediocrity. I was dying that death.

It’s been said that “if only” is the saddest pair of words known to man. I’d tend to agree. What can be said of the man who, in self pity looks back at what he can’t change and utters the words, ‘if only I did this or didn’t do that’, and neglects his present position and the future he may have if he was willing to put all his energy into it? I used to be that man, even perhaps, I still am. I am watching my life pass me by, all the while wondering what could have been if only I put in the work when it was needed. I’ll never know. However what I do know is, I’ll only ever add to my ‘could’ve beens’ unless I shift my focus to what is to come instead of what has already been.

I so don’t want to be the pitiful, depressed loser who gets to the end of his life and all he has is regrets. I don’t want to be the one who had dreams and never even chased them. I don’t want to be the one who was crippled by fear and plagued with regrets. I just don’t want to be a failure. And that’s determined by how I live my life not by how it could have gone if only....

It’s got to start here; life is what I make it.

Broken & Bruised?

Broken or bruised?
Can you mend me?
Is there hope?

Does your love cover this?
Or is my sin too great?
Are my faults too big?

Are you great enough,
To make light of my mistakes?
And are you willing?

Even when I fall and fall again,
Will you still come back for me?
Will you turn your back?

Or when I disgrace your name,
And bring shame upon you,
Will you not cast me out?

And when I turn my back,
Will you still chase me?
And desire me?

And when I nail you to a cross
For the things I did
Will you still die?

And will you rise again
To set me free?
After what I did?

What did I do,
To deserve this love,
you have given?

Who am I that you love me?
Who am I that you care for me?
Who am I that you would die?

Jesus,
I don't understand why,
But thank you that you did.

Don't Mess This Up

I've recently started reading the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and as I suspected I have found the first little portion that I have read so very interesting and challenging. On p23 and 24 it says,

How much better for us if all humans died in costly nursing homes amid doctors who lie, nurses who lie, friends who lie, as we have trained them, promising life to the dying, encouraging the belief that sickness excuses every indulgence, and even if our workers know their job, withholding all suggestion of a priest lest it should betray to the sick man his true condition!

Its a big quote and it took me a few times to get it but I believe Screwtape (an experienced tempter) speaks of the manner in which most of us will die so accurately. How each of us will be lying on a bed somewhere hoping then praying that our lives may be extended so we could live for ourselves some more. Or maybe, we'll be lying there thinking about how we've wasted our lives on ourselves up to this point. Or maybe we are lying there wondering if we ever did anything of real consequence.

I know death isn't a nice topic to talk about but I think that if you begin with the end in mind then things will work out. Point is, what I described above and the quote from the book are not what I have in mind about the end of my human life. Good. So how do I make sure that that isn't how it ends?

How do I make sure that I don't mess up life? The answer to that question differs from person to person. For me, a successful life is one that is not lived for myself but for others. A life that has made a difference in others lives. A life that has drawn people to Christ and a life that has pointed others to Him. In short it all about Jesus and being Jesus to those who don't know Him.

So then, I've got to live my life with those goals and aims in mind. If I want to live a selfless life, I am not going to succeed by living selfishly. It would be pointless to live that way. It doesn't just happen, it takes work to live like that. But I'm sure it'll be worth it.

Unlike the guys from The Bucket List, I don't wanna wait till I'm at death's door before I figure out what life's about.

Time to Ponder

Over Christmas I had the opportunity to spend a few weeks away in what seemed like paradise. While I was there, I had lots of time to ponder my life and all that I was as a person.

I know throughout last year I had a tendency to look at others and wonder why I wasn't where they were or doing what they are doing in terms of how they practice their Christianity. I carried this comparison through everything I did; leadership, worship, service, work, study, sport and also through relationships with friends. I got so frustrated with how I felt because it didn't match up with what I knew of the bible and Christians or how my friends felt. I felt doomed to a fate of mediocrity; stuck doing something I felt completely out of my depth doing. In saying that, something that I discovered when I looked back upon my year was the amount of growing I have done, even though it felt like nothing was happening. This last year I've done things I've only ever dreamed of, taken massive steps forward, faced some giants and won and begun fighting the giants that still hold me down.

Another thing I thought lots about is my future. My career, whatever it is. For most of my recent memory I've been struggling to decide on what I want to do with my life. I've also had the desire to do something. I felt the need to accomplish something. To be able to say, "I did this." And you know, as much as I still want that, I don't want to rush into something I shouldn't have. I know one thing, and that is that I'm where I am for a reason. Although I don't like it sometimes, and I wish I could be doing something better I've come to realise that it will happen in His time. So until then I've just gotta do what I've been doing and things will happen.

Finally, the new year! A year of promise. On the horizon this year feels full of excitement. I'm looking forward to a few things that I believe will happen in this year. I can't wait. I just love the whole concept of the new year- new beginnings. But I don't think my year is about new beginnings, I think this year will be a year of continuation. Of bigger steps and greater tests. Should be fun. Here's hoping...

In The Shadow

Like my last blog, I've decided to write about things that are important to me currently. Hopefully you will understand what I write, and maybe also relate to it.

Sibling rivalry, everyone has it right? No, my sister and I aren't fighting over our parents attention or a turn at riding the bike. We're not even fighting. To the best of my knowledge these are my feelings only. You see, my sister has a dream. She dreams of playing soccer professionally and doing university in the US. It's not the nature of the dream that I envy, it's the fact that she has one and that she's chasing it. All I can say for myself is that I want to be a writer one day.

For a while I thought that I could make her dream my dream. That I could go to the US with her. But its not my dream, as much as I may wish that it was. It's hers and I can't live it with her. I've always seen my sister as the marker or benchmark of success, and I've never been able to match that. I've always been in her shadow. I've always been "Rebekah's brother."

Every so often I have a day when I feel like a failure, realize I have no dreams or goals, and wallow in self pity. A day when I compare myself to my sister even more than normal and feel like giving up. A day when I feel like I'm going to be mediocre all my life and no amount of anything can fix it. Then things get better for a bit, but never forever. It's a cycle I'm getting familiar with.

This christmas, all I want, is a dream. No flash presents or love or thought, although all that stuff would be good, I just want a dream. I guess my encouragement to you would be two-fold. If you have a dream; chase it. Wholeheartedly and without regret. And secondly, don't stop believing in your dream because living without a dream is no fun.

Just A Thought

I decided to use this blog to talk about some things in my life that have become clearer to me of late and I also want to talk about some thoughts of mine that keep me awake at night. Maybe you can relate to some of the things I'm going to talk about.

Just this week I realised that a dream has a very clarifying effect on ones life. Not the dream you have when you sleep, but one that is so very real and attainable and has become so for the very first time. They have a way of sorting through your life and prioritizing it. All that was important is now meaningless and all that was enjoyable becomes futile. It's weird when you think about it. How can my life suddenly be so purposeful despite the fact that nothing has really changed? Not that I mind of course. I like the feeling of purpose. I know what I go to work for now. Although much water has to go under the bridge before anything happens of this dream, I cannot wait to see what this journey brings.

Secondly, on a day recently that was the worst one I have had in recent memory, I wrote three pages of journal entry in which I wrote about how I can't live and what I need. I'm going to share a few.

I Can't Live like This:
I can't live comparing myself to every Jo Blow on the planet, nor can I compare myself against my sister. I can't live a mediocre life, be a mediocre christian or friend. I can't let myself be swayed by what people think of me or tell me to do or believe. I can't live apart from God in anything.

I Need:
I need to give up the things that have kept me 'of' the world for too long and embrace the things that will set me apart. I need to quit seeking my own ends for my own glory but to do all for the glory of God who made me. I need to forget bad reports spoken over my life and live in the good reports even if they are hard to find. I need the love of Jesus to combat my own inability to love as He loved.

The last thing I want to talk about is the will of God. I have mainly questions which I hope someone will answer for me. That is, how do you know? How do you know your doing what your supposed to be doing? How do you know an opportunity is from Him? My father told me when I asked him these questions, I guess you do it and you'll find out if its right by giving it a go. But what if its not that simple? What if the decision requires the commitment to stick it through even if its wrong? That's what I'm scared of.

Finally, do pros and con lists help? My experience suggests not. They always end up equal. One pro outweighs all of the cons, especially if that pro is family and friends.

Encouragement Is A Big Word

Words are powerful things. They have the power to change a life or to kill it. So many people underestimate the power of a word of encouragement. So many people underestimate the damage a harmful word or phrase can have on a person. One slip of the tongue and a tonne of hard work can go out the window. I want to tell you a story of a guy who is a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

It was my first season playing men's and I was pretty much the runt of the league. And I was playing in a position where you usually have a big, tough dude; goalkeeper. I'm fairly certain that every team we played against thought that I would be an easy target, and that they could run over me. This actually happened in the second game. I don't remember what happened between contact and waking up on the ground. Apparently I went flying through the air like a helicopter.

The point of this story so far is what follows. As I slowly got to my feet, to continue the game I distinctly remember my centre midfielder who was helping me up say, "You're a champion Matt, and we're lucky to have you." That was three and a half years ago. As you can imagine, it meant the world to me. To be affirmed by my team that I was good enough to be where I was.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of bumping into this old teammate at work. Although I didn't even recognize him at first, once I knew who it was, his encouragement to me three and a half years ago played on tape over and over in my mind. I think the world of this guy and I will for the rest of my life probably.

What he said to me accompanies the name and the picture in my mind that I have of him. To this day, I don't know if he meant what he said or not, but that doesn't matter, because he said it. That's all it takes. A kind word here and there and you can add something to someones life. Encouragement is probably one of the greatest gifts we could give, so give life and not take it away with your words.